Cavelost Read online

  "How do you know she's a she?" Shan asked, leaning close.

  "She has these crests on her head and neck instead of spikes on her spine. She's rather plain for a dragon, isn't she? Males are more festive. I can tell she's a juvenile, too. She's quite large in comparison to the other figures, probably four or five yards long not including that wonderfully long tail, but she doesn't have her talons yet. Her wings look underdeveloped, though that could be from either her own captivity or the accumulated effect of generations of life without flying. I imagine she would have grown to be absolutely massive in maturity, but I don't see how a creature so large would be able to maneuver in this cave system. She'd be trapped in this cavern her entire life."

  Shan stared at me, his eyebrows knit. "Why do you know so much about dragons?"

  "Some people breed horses. My mother's family breeds dragons. They are secretive about it since the practice is illegal in most places, but they've been quietly doing it since ancient times. I don't know much aside from what I read in a book my mother's cousin left out when we visited. I was about eight years old. Mother wouldn't allow me to participate in whatever the rest of the family was doing, so all I had to entertain myself with for two days was that dusty old textbook." I thought about stopping there, but I felt the need to free myself of a memory. I would have rather spoken it first to Rin than to our son, but Shan had a right to know. "That visit to Mountain Home was when I found out why my mother doesn't care for me. One of Mother's cousins had a daughter about my age. She found me while I was bored and alone in the guest quarters and decided to harass me. She told me that I wasn't wanted in Mountain Home because I wasn't born a girl. The Nightshadow family is one of the few remaining matriarchal elven lines, and it is cause to celebrate when the firstborn is a female. I would always be an only child and I was male, so my mother's family saw my existence as unfortunate.

  "When Mother returned to the room, I asked her if she hated me because I was a boy. She was already in a bad mood and she snapped at me. She said she dreamed about a little girl the entire time she was pregnant, a little girl with golden hair and green eyes. My father needed a son to continue his own line, and she was willing to give him one as long as she had her prized daughter first. Well, she did. The golden-haired girl she birthed was stillborn. An hour later, she birthed a living son. Me. She said she resented me because I lived while my twin sister never even took a breath. I could never be the child she lost, the child she wanted. I couldn't carry on the Nightshadow name for her because I was a Goldtree. She walked away from me and went to bed. She woke up the next day regretting what she'd said to me, but it was already done. She made it clear that she never wanted me, and I've only rarely spoken to her alone since."

  Shan tilted his head and stared at me with sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I guess..." His gaze flashed past my shoulder, toward the curtained threshold. "Mom, you shouldn't be up."

  I turned around. Rin leaned against the wall behind me. Her jaw was tense and sweat beaded on her temples from the effort of leaving the bed. She swallowed and said, "I know. I needed to stand up. And now that I'm up, I need to relieve myself, but I can't find my balance."

  "Don't move any further. Allow me to help you," I said. I went to her side and let her use my arm to support her weight. "Did you hear any of that?"

  "All of it," she said as we returned through the curtain. "Help me, then return me to bed and let me kiss the tears from your face. I don't wish you to feel unwanted ever again."

  Day 27, part 4

  Everyone is asleep, but I'm still awake and restless.

  Rin says she loves me, but I don't know why. I'm nothing like rakish Rohir or leonine Ragar. Even for an elf, I'm slight and weak of body. My public confidence is a costume that I was carefully trained to wear. I am a desert rat lost in the burrow of a hungry snake. The identity of the snake changes as I move through the burrow. It starts as my parents, then morphs into elven society, then the Jarrah, then a literal snake as it takes on the form of the serpents we defeated a while ago. Finally, the snake becomes me. Maybe that's it. Maybe the cave itself is irrelevant and only person left who can truly defeat me is myself.

  I believe the Jarrah intended this cave game of theirs to be the worst experience of my life. If that was their objective, they failed. The last few weeks have been difficult, but they have also been wonderful. For the first time in my life, I belong to something beyond a detached family and a compulsory birthright. I have a real family now, one member by blood and two by their own choice. I have a reason to keep going besides habitually remaining alive. I've learned that I'm not as weak and useless as I always thought I was. I am loved and love in return. Even if I die down here, I die a better person than I was before. So, Jarrah, you didn't imprison and destroy me. You freed me.

  I can't lose this game. I've already won.

  Day 28

  I feel a little better now. I'm still seeing colors that aren't there, but opening my eyes doesn't send a thunderclap down my spine. I can't focus well enough to read, but I can sit upright and I think I can write a little. I can't look at it so it may be illegible. I've been on my feet a few times without feeling like I'm going to either faint or vomit. I can't move far, especially with the injury to my thigh. I need to get over my embarrassment and accept that I need help accomplishing basic tasks. Loss of independence is a difficult thing for my pride to handle. I only need a few more days for my body to knit itself back together, and then I'll be ready to lead us away from this place. The hospitality of the Varaku exiles has been wonderful, but we need to go home.

  I hope we can figure out some way to communicate with the exiles before we leave. None of them have stayed in our rooms long enough for us to try. They seemed confused by us, especially by our attempts at speaking to them through body language. We each recognize that the other is friendly, but we can't understand yet. Perhaps we'll try communicating through drawings next, since that is how they initially and unknowingly told us who they are.

  Shan bumps my leg and flame-colored fireworks explode in my vision. I seem to be perceiving pain as color. How strange. I had another concussion once, about ten years ago, but I didn't feel like this then. Maybe this change in perception is caused by a combination of the head and leg injuries, the strange environment, and whatever is in the food the exiles have been feeding us.

  I'm still seeing residual red and orange starbursts. I push on Shan's shoulder until he rolls away from me. He's sleeping on my right, Daelis is on my left, and Yana is curled in a ball at our feet. The lumpy, fungal-smelling bed is plenty large enough for all of us, though I would prefer to share it with just Daelis. I can deal with the overcrowded bed if my children need me close. Shan insisted on sleeping next to me when he was little, and occasionally crawled into my bed in the middle of the night until he was about seven. Tessen was more independent from the start, but sometimes I still woke up with both boys flung over me in positions I couldn't imagine as comfortable.

  Tessen. Oh, I shouldn't think about Tessen right now. Here come the tears. I'm sure he's safe at home, but he's mourning the assumed loss of his mother and brother. I'm sure my parents and sister are comforting him, but I don't think anything can heal the loss of immediate family. And he's lost all of us now, even if some are only temporarily. Rohir, before he even got to know him. Ragan, after he struggled to accept my half-Faeline lover as his stepfather. Alon, the little brother he grew to adore. And now Shan and me. He's not completely alone, but he's lost more than any sixteen-year-old ever should. I wish I could reach across the distance to him and tell him that Shan and I are all right, tell him that we'll be home as soon as we can. I can't. I don't possess that form of magic and neither does Shan.

  Maybe Yana does.

  Is that a silly, futile thought? Perhaps not. She's untrained, but she has the natural skill of a mage. I wonder if she can touch the dreams of others. I've heard of mages who can.

  No, I can't ask that of her. She's a child. Even if she is
capable of dream-speaking, her lack of training could hurt both her and the recipient. I'll keep thoughts of communicating with anyone on the surface to myself for now.

  Too long upright, colors are returning. Need to lie back down. Don't push yourself hard, or even at all. Be gentle with your body, Rin Sylleth, or you'll regret it. If I try to leave here before I'm recovered, I don't think we'll survive long enough to find daylight. I barely remember what it looks like anymore. It's a foggy memory obscured by nightmares.

  Day 28, part 2

  Yana has been working hard. Shan's been teaching her to read and write while I recover and her handwriting is starting to become legible. She can write her full name now, the name we gave her when we adopted her. I wonder if Shan will decide to become some sort of teacher or professor. He'd be good at it. He seems to love working with children. I hope he decides to have some of his own, but not for a couple years.

  Shan and Yana are busy with their lessons while I'm sitting here contemplating the existence of the word "the". It just doesn't look like a word right now, and I keep coming back and questioning if it's real. My brain must still be at war with itself. The. If. Of. Real. None of these appear to be words, but I know that they are. Ragamuffin hippogryph. Nope. Words aren't real anymore. I think I might need a nap. Another one. Is that four or five already today? Today? Now that one definitely is not a real word.

  Maybe I'm reversing my letters like Yana does. Maybe that's why my words don't look real.

  "Stop writing, Rin," Daelis mumbles. Mumbles. Now, that is a fun word. And a real one.

  "No. I need to figure out the puzzle of what makes a word a word. Why is word a word and not a random collection of nonsense letters?"

  "Rin, your body isn't the only thing that needs to rest right now. Your mind needs quiet." Daelis's eyes dart toward the door that leads to our suite of rooms.

  Two Varaku stand at the threshold. I've seen one of them before. Healer one. He's taken care of me. Or is it a she? I can't remember. Why can't I remember?

  The other Varaku is a new one. Red robe, plaited tentacles, eyes like amethyst.

  "Hello, there," I say. I don't expect them to respond. None of them have before.

  "Hello. I am ready to speak with you now," says the plaited Varaku. Oh, this is new. I should put my pen away and pay attention.

  Day 28, part 3

  I took the journal from Rin as soon as the exile spoke. I didn't think she meant to be rude, but her attention wandered toward it if she could see it. Once I hid it, she was able to focus on the speaking exile. She normally wasn't so easily distracted and I suspected that she needed to sleep.

  "You speak our language? How?" Shan asked. Yana dropped her pen on the floor and dashed over to sit on my lap.

  The red-robed exile tucked her pointed chin toward her chest and closed her eyes. "My name is Afa. I am Historian of the Hycinth. I am tasked to learn the words of the Jarrah so Hycinth may never become Varaku."

  I waited for her to open her eyes before introducing my family. "I am Daelis. This is Rin, our son Shan, and our daughter Yana."

  "You have claimed a slave of the Varaku as your daughter? She is fortunate." Afa tilted her head and bared her needle-like teeth. "You speak like Jarrah, but you are not Jarrah. We felt you were safe, so we cared for the one who fell. The healer says she will recover. Her memory and concentration will return soon. When she can walk, you must go."

  "That was the plan," Shan muttered.

  "Hycinth? Your people are called Hycinth?" I asked. The name was familiar. Why couldn't I place it? It was similar to the violet flower hyacinth, so perhaps one name was derived from the other.

  "We are Hycinth. We know you came from the Varaku hives. You are playthings of the Jarrah, but you do not ally with them. They hurt you."

  "Yes, they did. They took us from the surface and brought us underground."

  Afa's eyes narrowed, then widened. Her facial expressions were wholly unfamiliar. "The stories are true, then. Some do survive under the stars."

  "Many," I said. The bed shifted as Shan sat by my feet. "Many people, many races, many cities. Forests, oceans, animals, and a sky that is blue during the day and filled with stars at night. I know by the pictures that your people fled underground when fire overtook the surface. Did you never find the way out?"

  Afa tilted her head toward the healer and said a few words. The healer approached Rin and began examining her injuries. Afa held her arms toward the ceiling and said, "We were underground so long. Our bodies underwent many, many changes over many generations. When our Hycinth ancestors ran from the rising Varaku, they found a way out, but the scouts burned alive in the daylight. Starlight was the same, but slower. We cannot leave the caverns and we have forgotten the way to the surface." She looked toward Yana, then closed her eyes. "I see alarm in your souls. The Uldru slaves can still tolerate sky-light. Their bodies are different from ours. They are more like Jarrah than Hycinth or Varaku. Do not fear taking the child to your surface home."

  "I can go see stars?" Yana asked.

  Rin caressed Yana's cheek. "Yes, sweet girl, you will see the stars."

  Afa took a step forward and lowered her arms to her sides. "Daelis of the Sky Land, the healer says your mate must rest for longer. You may visit our village if you wish. We are small in numbers, and we are friendly. There are one hundred and fifty-three Hycinth now, no more. We have always been few, ever since the Varaku rose from inside others of our kind, but we are fewer now than before. You may walk among us as friends and leave in peace."

  "Can we see the dragon?" Shan asked. The book we studied yesterday was on his lap, open to the image of the sleeping beast.

  Afa looked toward the book. Her wide mouth twisted into what appeared to be a smile. "You may. One of us will take you when you choose. Say her name and they will know what you want. She is called Erisda. Do not fear her. She will never wake."

  "Where are our lanterns?" Rin asked. She yawned, then tilted her head until it rested on my shoulder.

  Afa folded all four of her arms over her abdomen and shuddered. "We have hidden them under cloth and stone until you need them. The seeing stones within would show the Varaku and Jarrah that the Hycinth still live, and they would come to destroy the few of us who remain. You need the lanterns for the dark passages ahead, but you do not need them here." She turned to watch two Hycinth come into the room and set food trays on the stone table. "There is time for exploring later. Eat now. Sleep, I will tell my apprentice to come take you to Erisda later. He knows the Jarrah language. No others do, only historians."

  Afa and the other Hycinth left the room. Shan slid off the bed and attacked the nearest bowl of food. Yana followed a moment later.

  "Don't go to see the dragon without me," Rin said. She stumbled over the syllables. She needed to rest.

  I put my arm around her shoulders and eased her head down to the pillow. "We won't. We'll wait until another day if you don't feel like moving after your nap. I know you can walk, but there is no point in stressing your leg. Like Afa said, the dragon isn't going anywhere, so we have time."

  Rin was already asleep. I kissed her cheek, then got up to join Shan and Yana for lunch.

  Day 28, part 4

  No dragon today. I can't walk far enough to get to the lair entrance, let alone navigate the stairs down. I'm not disappointed. Where I am is amazing enough.

  Daelis and I are sitting on a blanket by the massive lake that takes up most of the cavern floor. The luminescent mushroom forest reflects violet light upon the water's surface. I've never seen such still water. There is no wind here, but the cavern is large enough to sustain its own weather system. Occasionally, a small, misty cloud drifts past and rains upon the ground or water. We're not sitting on stone, but instead a field of stout, rubbery, grass-like plants and three-petaled white flowers. Six-legged, sheep-like animals graze nearby. Violet moss sprouts from their gray wool, offering a natural camouflage against the grass. Bird-bats glide between the mush
rooms overhead. The mushrooms give off enough light to permanently illuminate the cavern, but the Hycinth have studded the high ceiling with crystal lights to augment the glow. This place is both beautiful and eerie. The Hycinth call it simply Aes. Home.

  Shan and Yana are in the water with a small group of Hycinth children and adolescents. They're laughing, splashing, having swimming races... it's nice to watch my children play with such joyful abandon after what they've gone through. This is just a moment and I suspect it will pass back into nightmare soon, but it is a moment they need and deserve.

  "This tastes like lingonberries. Try it." Daelis hands me a mushroom cracker smeared with crimson jam.

  "I don't know what a lingonberry is," I admit.

  “It's somewhat like a cranberry but it grows in the northern boreal forests. My father imports cases of them so he can have lingonberry sauce on his antelope steaks and his favorite lingonberry pear dessert."

  "So, it's a highborn thing. No wonder I've never tried it. I've never had cranberries, either." I bite into the cracker. The jam is astringent, but sweet. "I like it."

  "So do I." Daelis lays his head on the blanket and watches me chew. "Have you read what I wrote yet?"

  I pick a stray hair off his cheek. It's not blond, so it must be mine. "A little. I'm still having trouble focusing my eyes. And concentrating. I read about Mountain Home and your twin. You never told me about that before. I guess I overheard you when you told Shan but now I don't remember much."

  "Never told anyone before." Daelis closes his eyes and wrinkles his nose. "What my mother said to me still stings, but at least I know the reason she doesn't like me. My father's indifference toward all things me is still a mystery. He's never liked children, but the animosity continued when I reached adulthood and I think the only reason he hasn't disowned me is because I'm his only heir. He told me when he exiled Delinda that half-elves are an atrocity against all that is decent, and I've heard that sentiment many times over the years. Acknowledging Shan will get me disowned, but I'm all right with that now."